"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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