Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
