Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
