he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
