I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
