Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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