i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
