So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
