You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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