If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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