He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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