maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
