So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
