I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
