On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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