So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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