I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
