Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
