is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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