I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
