Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
