Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
