I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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