I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
