Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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