So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
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Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
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But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize