After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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