I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
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Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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