dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
