guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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