What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
