I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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