I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
