I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
