Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
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My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.