Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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