I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
