you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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