Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
