I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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