I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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