A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
