I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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