I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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