i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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