I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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