I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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