I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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