sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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