he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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