so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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