I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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