You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
