She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
