i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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