How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
