when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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