Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
