Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I wish i was in the wii world.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
