First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
